


be your violent overnight rush

by elainebarrish



Category: Big Little Lies (TV), Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty
Genre: F/F, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 18:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11537715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elainebarrish/pseuds/elainebarrish
Summary: she can feel Renata's gaze like a touch, can feel her eyes and feel her disapproval, and she somehow strives for it, moving towards her like a flower towards the sun





	be your violent overnight rush

**Author's Note:**

  * For [helenecixous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/helenecixous/gifts).



> OK SO betsy read my ot5 one + then was like wow that kiss what if u ,,,, did that. so I am. there's actually gna be two chapters which is ? wild lmao anyway she keeps talking about how much she loves sneaking around so the next chapter is just gna be like. them doing that whole thing lmao I'm excited
> 
> uhm so far there's been no discussion of canon events 2 tw for, but there might be in the next chapter idk

Maddie and Renata are something like long time enemies, something like two rival popular girls, and Maddie realises how much taking her kids to school is like going back to school herself, has always realised this, and it’s especially clear in the way that her and Renata treat each other, the way that they bicker and argue. Another thing that’s clear to her is that she likes Renata, mostly, understands the ways that she reacts, understands that she  _ is _ busy, that sometimes that’s hard, that sometimes she wishes she wasn’t. It’s just that she sits up in that gigantic dream house that her and her husband built together, and she’s annoyed, annoyed by how she and Gordon look like they have it all together, annoyed that she’s never seen Renata go through anything.

 

And then Renata and Gordon fall apart, and Renata becomes something like a friend, like an enemy, and Maddie thinks okay, our relationship has to change, and it does. Instead of enemies they become something closer to frenemies, and everyone laughs at their sniping, at their inability to get on, or their inability to do that without saying things to each other that they would never, not in a thousand years, say to any of the others. Celeste becomes a career mom too, and yet Maddie doesn’t let it drop with Renata, rolls her eyes at her board meetings she rushed out of, rolls her eyes at her nanny and her house and her watching the fucking sunset because she has the time to do that, because she doesn’t have to worry about her wonderfully well-behaved Amabella while Maddie’s eldest is out putting her virginity up for auction.

 

She learns things about Renata, like how hard it was for her to conceive Amabella, like how Gordon turned out to be a total douche, and it soothes some of the burning annoyance in her heart, soothes that part of her that still wants things to be the best for her. Ed stays, and she gets to keep that, even if it leads to cold silences and glares and his disapproving glance while she’s home, even if she wonders why he stays with her when she knows that he’ll never trust him again, not after Joseph, not after confirmation of what he sees as a truth, his rampant inferiority complex rearing it’s ugly head again and again and again. Ed’s silent disapproval isn’t enough to quieten the part of her that says well done, that she can have her cake and eat it too, the part of her that would do it all over again, that wants that again, the part of her that ignores what a total fucking cliché she turned out to be.

 

So she starts going home less, spends more time “with the girls" and Ed’s suspicious but they post enough selfies on Facebook that he can't complain, and if sometimes it's totally unnecessary for her to go to Celeste's for dinner or to meet up with someone at Blue Blues well, that’s just the price they he has to pay for his continuing, judging silence. She spends more time at the theatre, marvels at how she managed to keep that job, and Joseph doesn't come back. Ed asks about men in her life and she can confidently say she has no one but him and Ziggy, and it's easy to ignore that sometimes bickering with Renata feels like flirting, feels like there’s something waiting, something about to happen, and often she wonders if that means she’s going to slap her or kiss her.

 

Maddie tries not to think about that evening that she convinced herself Abigail was gay, when she first started out on her “alternative” phase that has continued - which she’s pretty sure is just her wanting to be different - that evening where she spent too long lingering over articles and webpages and statistics about bisexual women. That evening where she sat there with a glass of wine and thought to herself “well, everyone thinks their best friend is attractive”, that evening where she felt shaken and didn’t know why. Maddie loving women isn’t news to her, has never been, she’s adored since women since the first time one of her teachers told her that she’d done well, since the first time one her friend’s mums told her that that was a pretty dress, and she got to tell her that she picked it out herself. She’s just never seen falling in love with women often as any kind of cheating, not even the emotional kind, but she views the possibility of this  _ thing _ she has with Renata blowing up, and she realises that the possibility is there, that she doesn’t know what she would do. She swore that Joseph would be a one off, that she wasn’t a middle aged woman cheating on her boring husband that she didn’t find particularly attractive any longer because she was going through a midlife crisis, that she would never be that person. But she thinks about what she would do, if Renata had ever had enough of her, if she cornered her against a counter, against a wall, and asked her what she really wanted, leaning down into her face because she’s so tall, and she realises that she can’t say that she wouldn’t kiss her, cheating or not.

 

She shakes herself out of it, continues with her life, and doesn’t look at Renata anymore than anyone else, and occasionally she thinks maybe she should just kiss her, get it over with, but she doesn’t let that thought escape, because she knows that she’s not going to get Renata out of her system that way, because she’s too realistic to see that as a possibility. Renata is here to stay, and so is she, and having distracting thoughts in the middle of Blue Blues is something that she just has to learn to live with, because they can’t come to fruition, because she doesn’t even know if Renata is at all not straight, because she wouldn’t know what to do even if she was.

 

The first time Renata calls her, and just her, instead of posting on the group chat a time to meet up, Maddie panics and almost doesn't answer it. This has to be more than just asking whether salmon is good for everyone tonight, and she knows her dietary requirements by now anyway, she even knows what wine Madeline likes, and she picks it up, eventually, crammed into her tiny office at the theatre trying to secure some ad space in a local paper.

 

“Hello?” she asks cautiously, and she thinks she can hear the wind in the background.

 

“Maddie, thank god, I thought I was going to have to call Celeste even though she's at work right now, I really need your help,” she starts, and doesn't endear herself at all.

 

“I am also at work,” she says, tone sharp, but continues. “But what happened?”

 

“My car’s broken down, and I'm not that far from the theatre, actually, and I need to get to a meeting on the other side of town but the tow truck’s gonna be, like, forty-five minutes.”

 

“What about an Uber?” she asks, but she's already bookmarking web pages and saving a draft of her email and picking up her keys, looking around her desk to make she's got everything.

 

“I'm not exactly a huge fan of getting into stranger’s cars, especially by myself,” she admits, after a long moment.

 

Maddie sighs, rolls her eyes. “Fine. I'm on my way.”

 

Renata recites her exact location as best she can, and thanks her a million times. “Thank you so much Madeline, honestly, I'm so sorry for dragging you away from your work -” and she sounds like she's about to go on for at least twenty minutes, trying to reassure Maddie that she thinks her work’s important when Maddie knows she doesn't, so she interrupts her.

 

“It’s fine. Honestly. I'm leaving now, see you in about five minutes.”

 

“So, what do you think’s wrong with it,” she asks as Renata pulls herself into the car, somehow still elegant regardless of how damn high Maddie’s SVU is, and she sighs.

 

“I have no idea, it just started to make a weird noise and then smoke was billowing out of the front so I pulled into this layby, thank God there was one nearby, and then went to check on the engine, and when I tried to start it again it wouldn't turn over,” she explains, and Maddie nods.

 

“Maybe there was an issue with the coolant, or something,” she suggests, and Renata nods, shrugging.

 

“Maybe, anyway thank you so much.” She gives her the address of where her meeting is and Maddie starts driving and she starts thanking her again, and Maddie thinks that she's nervous, white-knuckles from where she's gripping her handbag so tight that Maddie thinks she might break it.

 

“Honestly don't worry about it. I'm sure you hated asking me for help way more than I dislike giving you it,” and she looks over with a sharp little smile, one that Renata thinks might be burnt onto her retinas for the rest of her life, because it's mean and smug and god, she thinks, if only Maddie would look at her like that for the rest of her life.

 

“Well, you weren't exactly my first port of call,” she admits, and Maddie laughs.

 

“Just wait til I tell the others that I saved you, stranded on the side of the road, from taking an Uber across town.”

 

“I'm sure the tale will have many embellishments and be far from favourable,” she says, and Maddie eyes her hands relaxing, just a little, like this is neutral territory.

 

“Maybe I'll tell them that I put some ABBA on, and you sung along, appallingly, that I would have recorded it but I am firmly against using my phone while driving.”

 

“Didn't you roll your ankle while telling some kids to stop texting and driving?” she asks, and when Maddie glances at her she's all raised eyebrows and smug smile.

 

“Yes, and Jane rescued me from the side of the road, just as I'm rescuing you, now,” she points out, and Renata laughs.

 

“Trust me I'm not going to forget it anytime soon.”

 

“I'm not going to let you,” Maddie says, brightly, sweetly, and Renata shakes her head, looking down at her hands, grip loosening around her handbag.

 

“Hey, do you want me to pick you up after, so you can go get a rental car or something?” she offers as she pulls up in front of a nebulous office building, and Renata looks at her, squinting, like she thinks Maddie’s trying to trick her.

 

“Why are you offering?” her tone is distinctly suspicious, and Maddie shrugs.

 

“This is Monterey. We kill people with nice.”

 

“That sure would be a huge help,” she says, eventually, shrugging a little.

 

“Okay just call me when you're done.” Renata gets out and Maddie winds down the window, shouts at her as she walks away. “Have a good day at work, sweetie!” and she's laughing as she drives away, ignoring the evils Renata shoots her.

 

It's quiet as she takes her to the rental place, and she smiles when Renata thanks her, again, cautiously.

 

“I’ll see you at dinner at Celeste's tonight,” she just says, smiling, and Renata says goodbye, slightly uncomfortably, and Maddie thinks that this has weirdly made her day better, and she looks forward to mentioning it a thousand times at dinner.

 

“I hear you tried to kill Renata with kindness today,” Celeste says, as Chloe leads the way into the house, running to find the boys, and Madeline sighs, and she thinks that Celeste’s tone is maybe disapproving, but in a wry, resigned, sort of way.

 

“Did she really tell you what happened already? I was looking forward to spinning the tale out over dinner.”

 

“I think that is exactly why she told me,” Celeste laughs as Maddie pulls a face, and they move into the kitchen and she pushes a wine glass towards her. “Why did she call you, anyway?”

 

“I think she called everyone else first, and then realised it was me or she was going to have to interrupt you at work, and you know how seriously she takes you having a real job.”

 

“But weren't you at work too?”

 

“Exactly,” Maddie laughs, shaking her hair out of her face. “But it's fine, we all know Renata doesn't respect anything but about three professions.”

 

“She doesn't mean it like that…” Celeste starts, but Maddie shrugs.

 

“Don't bother, Celeste, we know these things about each other. I think Amabella would benefit from seeing her more, and she thinks that my job is a joke. It’s how we work.”

 

Celeste looks at her for a moment, frowning. “ You like this little antagonistic thing the two of you have going on, don't you?”

 

“What? No!” she says, waving a hand, laughing like it's ridiculous.

 

“You do! You’ve always liked it!”

 

“I mean, I think it's fun,” she admits, shrugging.

 

“God, you two are so frustrating, it's like you're flirting or something,” she mutters, and Maddie looks down at her wine, tries not to blush, remembers that she kept Joseph a secret, that she can keep this to herself too, but when she looks up Celeste is looking at her, open-mouthed. “You are! The two of you have been flirting for years and I haven't noticed!”

 

“If we are…” Maddie starts, diplomatically. “Then Renata hasn't noticed either.”

 

“God I don't know how I didn't see it, it's so  _ obvious _ ,” she mutters, and Maddie rolls her eyes.

 

“It’s not that obvious, I only just noticed too,” she says, sulky, and Celeste has to go open the door but when her and Jane rejoin her she goes back to it.

 

“You’re literally first graders that don't know how to express your feelings,” Celeste says, and Maddie groans as Jane asks what's going on.

 

“Celeste is convinced that Renata and I have been flirting,” she says, grudging and resigned, and Jane laughs.

 

“We didn't all know about this?” she asks, accepting a glass of wine from Celeste, and Maddie gapes at her.

 

“What! What do you mean?!”

 

“Well you guys have been trying to wind each other up, trying to get a reaction, both acting like you think if you just press the right button one of you will react, which you won't, because you're trying very hard to be a loving wife,” Jane says, shrugging. “It’s got an air of inevitability about it. Well, I mean, some days it does just mostly seem like you both hate each other.”

 

“We don't  _ hate _ each other, but we're not flirting! Not really,” she amends, and she knows her cheeks are blazing, and Jane's looking at her kind of blankly, like she doesn't really understand what's happening, and Celeste's just smiling at her, enigmatic in her beauty as always, and she kind of wants to dramatically leave the room, but she knows they'd just laugh, like they always do.

 

“You just admitted that you'd noticed it too!” Celeste points out, and Maddie pouts.

 

“It’s just our dynamic, it's just what the two of us do,” Maddie shrugs. “And anyway, like Jane pointed out, I'm married.”

 

“I mean some people would say that that means that you shouldn't be flirting at all,” Jane says, and Maddie laughs.

 

“Flirting is my best weapon, I'm not relinquishing that and Ed knows it,” she flips her hair back and Jane raises her hands in surrender.

 

Renata and Bonnie arrive, and Maddie tells the story at least three times over dinner, her smug smile firmly in place, and Renata just shrugs and bears it, because this is what Maddie is like, is practically what she likes about her. She would have talked about it as much even if she’d been the one that broke down, had talked about Jane saving her this much, all that time ago. She looks at Renata and sees her frustration, sees it hidden behind her game face, because Renata knows how to hide it, has learnt it through meetings full of men who won't listen, learnt it through working her way up to where she was now, and Maddie briefly wonders what kind of frustrated she is, really, underneath the smile that feels like a performance.

 

Renata’s getting into her rental car, and Maddie’s about to get into hers, when Renata winds down her window.

 

“So are you done with the saving my life jokes?” she asks, but she's smiling, and Maddie leans on the passenger side window and smiles coyly.

 

“I don't know… What's in it for me?” she asks, and she feels like Renata's gaze homes in on her somehow, like it targets, becomes sharper, fiercer, heavier.

 

“What do you want?” she asks, and her voice is somehow different and her gaze is different and Maddie thinks her head spins, and she wishes she was having this conversation literally anywhere other than through Renata’s fucking passenger side window Celeste’s driveway.

 

“Make me an offer.”

 

Renata bites her lip, and Maddie keeps looking at her in the dark of her car, just leaning against the window, eyes dark, both of their faces in shadow, then Renata takes a deep breath.

 

“I'll think of something. Good night.” She turns the engine on before Maddie can reply, and she instinctively steps away, and watches her go, and feels the unmistakable gnaw of disappointment, feels the way her heart’s pounding in her chest, and she doesn't know how to make an opportunity like that come around again, doesn't know how to express her frustration with Renata for not taking her up on her offer.

 

Maddie gets harsher, she feels herself do it, sees Jane's looks when she says something, feels Renata’s eyes on the back of her head. She doesn't know how to wind her up otherwise, doesn't know how to get a reaction out of her that isn't negative. Celeste tells her to stop being such a baby, tells her that Renata was just being gentlewomanly, that she's worried about Ed or she's worried about misconstruing what Maddie meant, and Maddie just gets more annoyed as time passes and nothing changes, as Renata doesn't bring it up. She complains, constantly, and doesn't listen to any of their suggestions to just  _ talk _ to her about it, because she doesn't  _ want _ to talk about it, she wants Renata to kiss her, and it's really that simple and she just doesn't  _ understand _ why Renata can't seem to get that. 

 

They have dinner out, the five of them, and Maddie maybe drinks a little wine and then let’s her pettiness emerge full force, let's it direct itself at Renata, and the others ignore her but she feels her eyes on her through dinner, and she meets them with a steely look, with a kind of determination. They get back to Bonnie’s and Renata grabs her arm on the way in, asks her for a minute, and Maddie tells everyone else to go ahead. They stand on Bonnie’s driveway for a long moment, and Maddie’s heart rate has already increased, and she looks up at her, her defiant face ready but she can't help the way her tummy flips.

 

“What are you doing, Maddie?” Renata asks, quietly, and Maddie just shrugs, quickly, looks away. “You want me to fight you? Because I will.”

 

“Of course I don't want you to fight me,” Maddie says, exasperated, looking at her, not wanting to say it.

 

“No? Because I’d say that mentioning my parenting methods today was you asking me to fight you,” she says, but she moves closer, and her voice is low in a way that Maddie hasn't heard it before.

 

“You know I don't want that,” she says, quickly, not quite quietly, and Renata laughs.

 

“You've got a funny way of showing it.” She cocks her head to one side, her eyes in shadow in the evening light, the light on Bonnie’s porch doing little more than just making the shadows on her face more pronounced. “Are you going to tell me what you had in mind, when you said “make me an offer”?” she asks, and Maddie’s already shaking her head.

 

“I didn't have anything in mind,” she bites her lip, not looking at her, knowing everything about her is betraying her lie, that she couldn't lie about this to her to save her life

 

“You think if you don't say you want me to kiss you it doesn't count as cheating?” she's closer now, and she reaches out, twirling a strand of perfect blonde hair. “You can't blame the one glass of wine you had with dinner, or just being overcome by your feelings, or not expecting it. You’ve been wanting this for years.”

 

Maddie just stares up at her, her face so close now, the distance between them gone, and she doesn't think she's even breathing.

 

“You can’t expect me to kiss a married woman, to be the person you fall back on blaming when Ed finds out, because we both know he will. I'm not being the only head on the chopping block here. You have to kiss me, Madeline. I'm not starting this.”

 

She doesn't make it easy for her, just stands in front of her, and Maddie bites her lip. “Is that a challenge,” she murmurs, and Renata shrugs.

 

“If you like.”

 

Maddie’s forceful when she pulls her forward by her blazer, when she reaches up to pull her down by the back of her neck, and Renata makes her go slowly on purpose, one hand on her jaw, holding tight in a way that Maddie thinks could bruise and which makes her head spin, and she kind of wishes it does bruise, kind of hopes that Renata leaves some kind of mark on her, and she digs her nails into her neck, underneath her hair, arching towards her.

  
When they pull apart Maddie feels like she's still not breathing, like she doesn't know how to anymore, and Renata's gaze is hot and almost feels like a touch, and she steps away, leaning against Bonnie's porch wall, taking a deep breath. Renata just watches her, for a long moment, and Maddie notices her lipstick on her face and her head’s spinning all over again. They go inside, eventually, and Celeste gives her a look that makes her think that she can tell what happened, like it's written all over her face in something more permanent than lipstick.


End file.
